He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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