I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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