Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
