found the other keg... it's in the tree
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
