I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
