I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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