My liver just broke up with me...
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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