so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize