she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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