Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
