i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
