She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
