Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
