Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
