So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
