Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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