You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So vagazzling was a success
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
