i'm signing you up for texting rehab
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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