I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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