you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
