Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
