My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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