I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
