The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
