the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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