took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
