Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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