My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
