Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
