My sheets look like a crime scene.
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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