You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
