McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
