He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
