If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
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