I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
