i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
The ass gains better be worth it
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