My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
