The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize