NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
