i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
