so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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