I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
