Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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