Only a mothe r could love this liver
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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