woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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