I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
