She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
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