You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
