I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
