As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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