I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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