Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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