I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
