smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
