I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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