Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
