I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
