Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize