I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
