Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
