My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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