Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
