I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
