According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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