I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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