my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
