Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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