If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
