my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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